Well it has been six months now since I married her and the rage inside me is building. We dated for two years before we got married. We were both married before. We didn't have sex before we got married - because that would be wrong. Why? Because she is a good LDS lady of course. But the promises - I swallowed every one. Sex was going to be hot. She liked sex. She was going to do this and that to me, it was going to be great. We were going to have a great Mormon marriage. It would be worth the wait.
I wasn't raised in the church. I wasn't really raised in much of anything, but I converted for her. Did the whole investigation and all that. I won't say I was 100% convinced, but I have grown up around Mormons and there are worse ways to live. What harm could it do if it made her happy?
Trouble is, nothing seems to make her happy. And the sex? Forget that. The honeymoon was a joke and since the wedding the joke is on me. Two years of waiting and I am lucky if I get laid once a month. She's got a headache, or her period, or she's exhausted, or she's stressed. Thing is, she always seems to be fine until I approach her. Then out comes the Golden Globe winning act.
I feel so ripped off. Lied to. But most of all, I feel trapped and sick inside to think I am married to someone who hates sex. At least my first wife liked sex. She spent like a maniac and couldn't cook to save her life and okay, she was a bitch. But at least I got screwed regularly. Of course she was also screwing a good friend of mine behind my back, but at least she liked sex.
Now I find myself questioning everything. The church, the teachings, most of all, the system that sets people up to get married before they know if they are sexually compatible. It's my own fault. I get that. I am an idiot to have believed her. There were so many other inconsistencies in her life and her stories and her friendships with people were always volatile and all over the map. But here I am, approaching 40, hormones raging like they have since I was 14 and I am stuck in a sexless marriage.
I talked to the bishop. He wasn't much help. Gave me platitudes about patience and love and all of that stuff that might mean something if it was reciprocated by the ice queen. I don't even know what I am doing on here except I feel like I have no where else to turn. Maybe writing about it will help me decide what to do with my life. The thought of divorce number 2 is nothing short of humiliating - how big of a loser would I be then?
I feel used and incredibly stupid.
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