Sunday, November 7, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Cigarettes and Whisky and Wild Wild Women
Afternoon break and I need serious coffee and I would really make quick work of a smoke too. Gotta do some major incognito shit when I indulge though or witchy-poo will give me the third degree. She can smell it hours later. Never really sure why "hot drinks" are so evil. What a load of crap.
What to do what to do.
Some major crap going down at the job site today, boss doing a real shake down of all the lazy assholes he hired. Sorry man but what do you expect. Bad hiring choices. It's not turning out to be a great day and I get enough misery at home. If the economy was better I'd quit and look elsewhere. I need work to be a bit of R&R.
What to do what to do.
Some major crap going down at the job site today, boss doing a real shake down of all the lazy assholes he hired. Sorry man but what do you expect. Bad hiring choices. It's not turning out to be a great day and I get enough misery at home. If the economy was better I'd quit and look elsewhere. I need work to be a bit of R&R.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
LDS theology - one big bag of questions
I am more confused every day by the LDS theology. I have questions that don't get answered and the Bishop seems to think that "praying on it" and "not questioning" will fix it. It doesn't. I have some very real concerns about some of the beliefs "we" ascribe to. I don't know what I believe anymore. Some of the nicest people I have ever met are LDS, but some of the most wicked people I have ever met are as well.
I guess we are all hypocrits to a certain extent. But I have seen some things in the church and seen the way some of the people at church act, the things they say in private conversations that have me seriously questioning. They are definitely the most self-righteous and judgmental people I have ever seen.
I guess we are all hypocrits to a certain extent. But I have seen some things in the church and seen the way some of the people at church act, the things they say in private conversations that have me seriously questioning. They are definitely the most self-righteous and judgmental people I have ever seen.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Weekend from Hell
I guess this is going to be my whining post. I am exhausted this morning. As usual I am up before the dawn, but it is the only time there is a sense of peace in the house. So here I sit at the keyboard. Exhausted and discouraged. Why? All weekend long, once again, as it has been for the last two years, the house was nothing but a revolving door of people. "Lisa" even invited people over for lunch after church yesterday. Spur of the moment as usual. And as she can't cook to save her life we of course had to stop and shell out over $60 in pizza to feed everyone. I just grit my teeth and went along with it even though I was just dying for some peace and quiet in my own home.
All weekend - friends, neighbors, the ridiculous assortment of "cousins" who aren't actually related at all but that she calls cousins (aunts, uncles and on it goes). Hangers on-ers, down on their luckers, misfits with their equally dysfunctional children. (And my favorite house goblin, her sister Alice yanging on about a new organic cure all she's hawking and the perils of genetically modified food blah blah blah. Cripes. It might actually mean something if she was the picture of health, but she is always sick and miserable and completely off kilter mentally).
It has taken a while for it to dawn on me, but I think my wife "Lisa" - surrounds herself non-stop with activity and people to avoid intimacy with me. Not necessarily just physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy as well.
If the house is loaded up with people or she is running around like a chicken with its head lopped off, there can be no one-on-one talks about her behavior, no discussions about her spending habits, and certainly no discourse on how unfulfilled I (perhaps she as well?) am feeling about the marriage.
Every time I try to talk to her she is too tired, has a headache, is stressed out, has to get somewhere, etc. It has occurred to me that she has been "exhausted" for the last six months. In fact, everytime I try to talk to her she is suddenly "exhausted" and can we "leave it until later".
Isn't it supposed to be the women that want to talk? That want a good marriage? Aren't all us guys just bastards that plop down in front of the TV or tinker with our toys in the workshop or garage? Is this role reversal or is it only my marriage going down the shitter?
All weekend - friends, neighbors, the ridiculous assortment of "cousins" who aren't actually related at all but that she calls cousins (aunts, uncles and on it goes). Hangers on-ers, down on their luckers, misfits with their equally dysfunctional children. (And my favorite house goblin, her sister Alice yanging on about a new organic cure all she's hawking and the perils of genetically modified food blah blah blah. Cripes. It might actually mean something if she was the picture of health, but she is always sick and miserable and completely off kilter mentally).
It has taken a while for it to dawn on me, but I think my wife "Lisa" - surrounds herself non-stop with activity and people to avoid intimacy with me. Not necessarily just physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy as well.
If the house is loaded up with people or she is running around like a chicken with its head lopped off, there can be no one-on-one talks about her behavior, no discussions about her spending habits, and certainly no discourse on how unfulfilled I (perhaps she as well?) am feeling about the marriage.
Every time I try to talk to her she is too tired, has a headache, is stressed out, has to get somewhere, etc. It has occurred to me that she has been "exhausted" for the last six months. In fact, everytime I try to talk to her she is suddenly "exhausted" and can we "leave it until later".
Isn't it supposed to be the women that want to talk? That want a good marriage? Aren't all us guys just bastards that plop down in front of the TV or tinker with our toys in the workshop or garage? Is this role reversal or is it only my marriage going down the shitter?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
My Lovely Mormon Wife Lied to Me
Well it has been six months now since I married her and the rage inside me is building. We dated for two years before we got married. We were both married before. We didn't have sex before we got married - because that would be wrong. Why? Because she is a good LDS lady of course. But the promises - I swallowed every one. Sex was going to be hot. She liked sex. She was going to do this and that to me, it was going to be great. We were going to have a great Mormon marriage. It would be worth the wait.
I wasn't raised in the church. I wasn't really raised in much of anything, but I converted for her. Did the whole investigation and all that. I won't say I was 100% convinced, but I have grown up around Mormons and there are worse ways to live. What harm could it do if it made her happy?
Trouble is, nothing seems to make her happy. And the sex? Forget that. The honeymoon was a joke and since the wedding the joke is on me. Two years of waiting and I am lucky if I get laid once a month. She's got a headache, or her period, or she's exhausted, or she's stressed. Thing is, she always seems to be fine until I approach her. Then out comes the Golden Globe winning act.
I feel so ripped off. Lied to. But most of all, I feel trapped and sick inside to think I am married to someone who hates sex. At least my first wife liked sex. She spent like a maniac and couldn't cook to save her life and okay, she was a bitch. But at least I got screwed regularly. Of course she was also screwing a good friend of mine behind my back, but at least she liked sex.
Now I find myself questioning everything. The church, the teachings, most of all, the system that sets people up to get married before they know if they are sexually compatible. It's my own fault. I get that. I am an idiot to have believed her. There were so many other inconsistencies in her life and her stories and her friendships with people were always volatile and all over the map. But here I am, approaching 40, hormones raging like they have since I was 14 and I am stuck in a sexless marriage.
I talked to the bishop. He wasn't much help. Gave me platitudes about patience and love and all of that stuff that might mean something if it was reciprocated by the ice queen. I don't even know what I am doing on here except I feel like I have no where else to turn. Maybe writing about it will help me decide what to do with my life. The thought of divorce number 2 is nothing short of humiliating - how big of a loser would I be then?
I feel used and incredibly stupid.
I wasn't raised in the church. I wasn't really raised in much of anything, but I converted for her. Did the whole investigation and all that. I won't say I was 100% convinced, but I have grown up around Mormons and there are worse ways to live. What harm could it do if it made her happy?
Trouble is, nothing seems to make her happy. And the sex? Forget that. The honeymoon was a joke and since the wedding the joke is on me. Two years of waiting and I am lucky if I get laid once a month. She's got a headache, or her period, or she's exhausted, or she's stressed. Thing is, she always seems to be fine until I approach her. Then out comes the Golden Globe winning act.
I feel so ripped off. Lied to. But most of all, I feel trapped and sick inside to think I am married to someone who hates sex. At least my first wife liked sex. She spent like a maniac and couldn't cook to save her life and okay, she was a bitch. But at least I got screwed regularly. Of course she was also screwing a good friend of mine behind my back, but at least she liked sex.
Now I find myself questioning everything. The church, the teachings, most of all, the system that sets people up to get married before they know if they are sexually compatible. It's my own fault. I get that. I am an idiot to have believed her. There were so many other inconsistencies in her life and her stories and her friendships with people were always volatile and all over the map. But here I am, approaching 40, hormones raging like they have since I was 14 and I am stuck in a sexless marriage.
I talked to the bishop. He wasn't much help. Gave me platitudes about patience and love and all of that stuff that might mean something if it was reciprocated by the ice queen. I don't even know what I am doing on here except I feel like I have no where else to turn. Maybe writing about it will help me decide what to do with my life. The thought of divorce number 2 is nothing short of humiliating - how big of a loser would I be then?
I feel used and incredibly stupid.
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